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Really 4 Realz?! (Bad Lines: Parts Seven to Seventeen)

May 4, 2009


On a dare, a girlfriend and I completed Internet dating profiles and jumped in. It was 9 a.m. one Sunday morning, and I was composing witty hooks intended to catch tasty bachelors while discouraging any impotent predators that might lazily swim by. The only thing more skeezy-seeming were the little red “online now!” bulletins popping up to announce that MikeIzUp4It was looking for ladies…did I mention it was before brunch-time on Sunday? I guess Mike’s Saturday didn’t turn out so hot. Nor did the weekend yield enough action for N-E-1-4-Me…or Lookin4Laydeez…and I guess TalentedMrRipley is still single, too.

“TalentedMrRipley”?! Dude…you know that story is about murdering someone and hiding it, right? And come on–“anyone for me”? Sound it out, and it sounds like bad news. No lady wants a man whose standards dip from open-minded to settle around really not choosy as long as she puts out.

One month later, the anthropological thrill of online dating has grown stale, and I am ducking out before the site simply breaks my spirit. It wasn’t all for naught–I did cull a few good stories from the experience, and learned some good lessons. Certainly, these are broad generalisations and by no means ultimate truths; yet, when it comes to navigating the strangers a lady might encounter online, it’s safe to say that typically:

Men will say anything they think a woman wants to hear. Men have no idea what women want to hear. Men will say just about anything while crouched behind the nameless, faceless shield of the Internet. This ranges from the sweet and endearing to the very, very dirty. He might be sweet and sexy on date #1, but hang on, because he might prove volatile and bananas by date #3.

And then there’s the goldmine of crazy that landed in my instant message in-box after dark. So, without further ado, I give you my top ten, along with the replies I am too ladylike to send:

10. Here is my sexy ass–I make you a photo, it is in your email. Go there, go look. (you can’t make me)

9. Who’s your daddy? (his name is Mr. Miller–I’m sure he’d love to meet you)

8. I guess now that we’ve met each other, we can get off this site. (mmmmm, how about we hedge that bet for a couple of dates?)

7. I think I know you from high school. (yes, you do…you and your friends threw sandwiches at me in the cafeteria, and stalked my friend Leonard because he wore make-up)

6. Here’s a cute question to get things started: what’s your position on spanking? (I am for it, but only if the kid’s really being a rotten little bastard; otherwise, I’m against it)

5. Your profile is nice but what I really want to know is, do you do bisexual? (no, no, I think the question is, do you do bisexual? and I’m not talking you plus two women…)

4. Right, you are hot. When do I see you? (nothing warms my heart like a man who wants to boss me around)

3. I would like some dancing on you. (…….)

2. You look pretty. Have you considering get married and having a children? Then you have something to show for those efforts. (awesome! so, after we have sex as dreadful as your spelling and grammar, I’ll have a baby to remember the night by? when do we meet? don’t keep me waiting, man!)

1. U R h-o-t-t for realz. Not lookin 35 at all. (hey, thanks! I’m so glad you think that in my advanced age, I am still looking good. most single 35 year-olds are washed-up spinsters, of course)

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. hellokeating permalink
    May 5, 2009 10:44 am

    oh god. i love this … (weeping)

  2. Amanda permalink
    May 5, 2009 10:44 am

    Oh, honey-baby, please don’t cry! I will do dancing on you, too!

  3. Carrie permalink
    May 5, 2009 11:04 pm

    But, U R totally h-o-t-t for realz!

    I wish I was visiting this weekend so I could watch you inflict your hotness on the comics community…

  4. Amanda permalink
    May 6, 2009 8:46 am

    Word, yo.

  5. looka permalink
    May 8, 2009 6:16 am

    What you been?! Mamma, yerz is the funkytaste!

    Sorry ’bout that! How is it that that is the official M.A.N. language?

    There should be one week with all the Comicsfestivals thrown toghether in one or two towns preferable NaY or Toeruntoo so we could make this thing happen. Or I have to save big and move over the ‘ol America. How is it living in Cananda bedsides the same old dull man drag???

    I know how it is in New Yoek – I was almost attacked by other passengers when I attempted to opened the bus door at the wrong moment! Too many subways as well… haha.

    I could still take daily walks from the big C over to there I guess.

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