Don’t Be Another Day Without This Valuable Information!
Since moving my site to WordPress, I’ve become a little obsessed with one of its behind-the-scenes features. The one that tells me what keywords people have entered into search engines and been led to my site. It seems “wrestling in bed” is a hot ticket online these days–more days than not, that series of words appears, and I can only imagine how disappointed the seekers were when they discovered a shot of two butchy girls in jeans wrestling at a cabin. And not in a sexy way. (And, I can only imagine how much more disappointed they’ll be now that I’ve upped the ante with that sentence!)
I’ve spent the past several months griping and complaining about the dire state of the dating scene, the gruesome encounters that sprang from signing up with an online dating site, and a series of bad lines shouted at me from speeding cars, murmured by passersby, insinuated by bar patrons, and laid on me by dudes masquerading as nice dates. It’s therefore understandable that some of the language I’ve employed also turns up online in more, uhhh, racy contexts, and that by nature, people will use the Internet to find that sort of racy stuff, and that keywords will be entered, sites will be clicked upon, and some will reward (porny ones) better than others (mine, filled with essays complaining about jerks I’ve dated, and photos of dessert).
It’s also understandable that, having learned of my struggles as a single lady, people might want to offer some assistance. For instance today, when a colleague gave me a wonderful brochure, printed circa 1962 if the photographs and illustrations are to be believed. Enclosed in a lurid yellow envelope which declares the contents “the best selling sex report!!!” and admonishes “don’t be another day without this valuable information!”, this handy little pamphlet is entitled “How You Can Pick Up & Turn On Girls!” In 16 pages, men are coached through the steps from meeting a nice girl (on the sidewalk, perhaps, or in a cloakroom, library or office), breaking the ice, making small-talk, navigating first dates, and then moves swiftly through how to keep her interested and make her stick around.
Although the author makes several references to how girls, too, might benefit from the information contained in the brochure, I can’t say it gave me any good tips for pursuing men, but it did make me grateful that I am single now, rather than forty years ago. And yet sadly, I must admit, in too many ways, too little has changed. And so, I give you the first installment:
HOW YOU CAN PICK UP & TURN ON GIRLS!
“Every man has the ability and the right to be good at picking up girls. Once you have learned the technique it becomes a matter of practice until you are perfect. Unfortunately, there are no schools or places you can enrol to learn the technique and therefore, in this report we are aiming directly at the men who want to get something going on for them. There are many books on the market that show you how to become a proficient lover once you have the girl in bed, but it’s the getting her to bed that is the subject we want to get into right now!
Let’s say you are walking down the street or riding on a bus, moving about in your life, you see a beautiful girl that really turns you on, what do you do? You could stand there and stare at her or you could run and try to find a person to introduce you to her; but, by the time you have decided what to say to her she has turned the corner and is out of sight.
You say to yourself “What could I say to get this girl’s attention?” I could have approached her and said “do you want a date?”…and if she had any pride she will probably turn you down flat! You could walk up to her and say “Could I buy you a drink?” but ten chances to one she has heard this line a dozen times and will ignore you.
How many times have you been at a dance or nightclub where there is a good supply of girls just waiting to be picked up…you ask them to dance and you get the cold look…you’ve been turned down again. You see other guys, right after you, pick up these same girls and start dancing and you begin to wonder, “what have I done wrong?” Your approach to these girls in most cases seemed logical and in many cases might even work, but it is a 50% chance they will.
Now let’s eliminate the chances and improve your technique immediately by using the best approach or “line” that works every time with girls.”
I’m afraid to overload readers with too much of a good thing all in one shot, so let’s stop there for today. To summarise: women love to be called “girls”, and girls love to be picked up by men. Apparently, there are hordes of us just hanging around dancefloors, cold look at the ready, fingers crossed someone will come along and lay out the right “line”. I wish I could say this is bullshit, but it’s true. The city is jammed with ladies who are hoping someone comes along, although few of us would admit a “line” is what we’re waiting to hear. But…sometimes…it is. Someone dealt me more lines than I could count this summer, and I went for every one. And, though it makes me shudder to admit now, he “picked me up” while I read a book at the local café one morning. And, before him, several others had tried to do the same, over the course of several weeks, and while I hardly gave them a cold look, their approach led me to flatly turn them down, just like the brochure accuses us girls of doing.
While the tone of the brochure is reprehensible at best, predatory at worst, so far what it tells men is pretty nearly true. But don’t worry–from this point, it’s pretty much a quick slide into the disgusting, the grim, and the very, very funny. More to come…