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The Secret of Holding Her Attention

October 12, 2009

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Part Five: a very special dating brochure fell into my hands, and it was just too good to keep to myself.

So, you’ve got the conversation flowing, and now you reach a crucial point in your dating trajectory, the fork where things can go very, very right, or oh-so very wrong. In fact, this bit is something a fellow needs to plan ahead for, anticipate, take care of in advance, because waiting till he meets that special girl walking down the sidewalk, lays his best line on her, wins her attention and earns himself a coffee date…by now, if he hasn’t prepared properly, it is too late. Behold:

THE SECRET OF HOLDING HER ATTENTION:

“After you have figured out some questions you want to ask her [see here for a helpful list], how are you going to hold her attention? It is very straightforward. LOOK INTO HER EYES! It has been said that the eyes are the window to the heart. Watch her eyes when you have her attention. She has to be looking into your eyes, too. Practice looking into girls’ eyes – start with every girl around you. Don’t state, that is not necessary, but people will follow your eyes, and watch your hand and body actions. When you meet a person, imagine you are looking into a mirror. Whatever gestures you use, that is what is being observed by them. Practice your movements in front of a mirror.

When you stand looking into a mirror, this is what people see when they see you. So clean up your act! If your hair is untidy, make it presentable. Fingernails should be cleaned – no girl wants dirty fingers roaming all over her body! I have had more than one girl tell me that the first things they notice about a man are his teeth.”

***

This is all good, sound advice. Clean up your act, indeed! Sort out that unruly hair, scrub around your collar and clean your fingernails, and tuck in that shirt tail. And yes, what you do is what people see – there is no magic bubble around you, which reinterprets your gestures and converts you into less of a slob or pervert or weirdo. If you’ve got a tick, chances are, we notice it. If you pick your nose, tug at your crotch, twirl a lock of hair or bite your lips, we see that, too. The rough part is, I can’t help but imagine legions of pokey, shy men standing in front of their mirrors and acting out contrived and hopeless gestures in hopes of polishing their appearance and landing a mate. As easy to make fun of as this brochure is, there is a heartbreaking desperation to it, as well, the target reader a tragic, lonely man in his squalid bachelor flat, tucking in his shirt and nodding to his reflection in the mirror while saying, “How do you do, miss? Isn’t this a lovely day?” while slowly gesturing with his right hand, carving a gentle, waist-high arc through the air as though sweeping some papers aside.

On a lighter note, I agree – staring is poor form. Don’t do it! The difference between comfortable eye contact and predatory staring is a wide and yawning canyon. Now, back to the state of a man’s teeth.

***

“After all, if you want to kiss her when you first meet, you had better get those teeth in g ood shape. If you’re not too sure about your breath, use a mouthwash. No girl wants to lay beside a guy that’s got Jungle Mouth! You can wear clothes that suit you and your mood. That is acceptable for your image, but make sure they are clean. One girl I interviewed told me she met a man she could really go for – his hair was presentable, this teeth and mouth very kissable, but there was only one thing wrong with this fellow. Would you believe he had some white spots on the front of his pants, right beside the fly! She thought he must be so hard-up that he plays with himself, and if he’s that hard-up to get a girl, she couldn’t be bothered with him. Don’t leave tell-tale marks on the front of your pants to advertise your frustrations.”

***

That’s right, boys. If you must play with yourself, be sure and hide the evidence. No matter how presentable your hair or kissable your teeth, if a lady can tell you’ve been wanking, she’s never going to let you hold her attention.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 13, 2009 3:40 am

    The thing for me with all those things on the list, or in this “book” is, it seems to take a huge amount of time to construct all of those guidelines in your head – and after that, delivering it easy and without giving the feeling that they are constructed. What became of enjoying talking to people and getting to know someone (is that too AVANT-GARDE? I don’t know.) without the sirenous sound of “DATING! DATING!!!” hammering in the back of your head?

    What do you do when the string of that brochure advice leaves you dangling miles high over the small pool of security it has provided? And what if there is no further thread around for you to spin to get you down sound and safe?
    I’m afraid it will land you in desperation again, instead of landing you that HOT DATE. Which is sad, because it can give you the feeling that although you tried on base of that REAL advice, you failed.

    Hmmm… I guess following this advice, I should already know, that all “girls” are the same and this will work 100% securely. Like little robots, they must wait for your feed of pick-up lines to get them going out of their daily hick-hack. The one of walking the space between the library and the café. “They” alllll have the same interests, and allll love to listen to the same things, just waiting for the thing called man. A shame that women, errrr girls, aren’t people right? That would make it a bit more easy.

    Bruurhahhahahaha…! “tell tale marks”

    • welltailored permalink*
      October 13, 2009 9:21 am

      You are so right…ladies going about their boring daily hick-hack, just waiting, hoping to get lucky as some “nice” man comes along and lays a line on them…ridiculous! But, there is something deliciously horrible about the desperation this brochure exposes. It would be easy to brush it aside and be all “Ugh, only total jackasses behave this way, and women deserve so much better! These men, and the person who wrote the manual, are totally revolting!” but the more thought I’ve given it, the more this brochure is a comment on something sincere and less vulgar than it first appears.

      I’m taking the easy route of crassly poking fun, but oh my gosh, last week I was at a bar with a good friend and I was chatting up the bartender, who is outrageously cute, and while I was doing so, another woman came over and gave him her number. He took it, then spent the evening telling me about how he didn’t really know if he’d call her…but, I could tell he was probably going to take her home, and that he wasn’t going to have to work to get her there.

      So…women ARE sometimes out there, single and “sexy” and hoping to be picked up. The brochure, of course, oversimplifies all this, and no, we’re not a pack of desperate singles with lame lives into which men alone can bring us happiness. But…hey…this guy could have taken home me, that woman, and probably a handful of others that night, just by saying the right thing. In the case of the woman he *did* pick up, she did the picking…all the work…all he had to do was stand there!

      • October 13, 2009 1:28 pm

        Yup, yup and YUP!
        Totally, this booklet of course hits a pool of facts – one that I’d love to be gone, but a real one for sure. And I love how you treat it in these pieces, oh yeah! The forces of dating gravity work on all kinds of planes as your tale tells.

        What’s crazy to me is that it says it has a solution for the desperation of a special kind of lonely men and that is guiding them to a special kind of women by way of a manual that makes this kind of gibberish common sense and look like a standard everybody makes use of. And by saying gibberish, I totally am aware that it is very real often enough. I just can’t like it.

        Ah. I wonder what more is in that bag.

  2. welltailored permalink*
    October 13, 2009 1:30 pm

    Ohhh Looka, you can’t even imagine the horrible places this brochure goes! Seriously…stay tuned, but keep one hand covering your eyes…there is a whole section where the writer gives good suggestions for “tricking her into sucking your thing.”

    No joke.

  3. October 13, 2009 7:55 pm

    I would never a man who masturbates; as a woman it is my job to always be available to satisfy his every sexual need. It’s also a big plus if the guy is really freaked out by his own desire.

    • welltailored permalink*
      October 13, 2009 7:57 pm

      Yes! Shame rocks–it keeps people in their place.

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