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It Won’t be Long Before She Submits to Tickling from Your Hands…

October 13, 2009

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Part Six: a very special dating brochure fell into my hands, and it was just too good to keep to myself.

The past couple lessons have been rather serious – a lot to memorise, a lot of rules, some pretty strict guidelines to adopt then follow. So, this excerpt is a little more light-hearted. After all, dating should be fun! Don’t let the title get you down. It sounds a little bossy, but it’s not so bad.

***

CLEAN UP YOUR IMAGE!

“After interviewing many girls, all told me that a very handsome man is not what they are looking for. They are looking for a man with a good personality. SMILE! SMILE! SMILE! Girls want to meet somebody with a nice smile and a sense of humour. More guys have gotten girls into bed because they kept them laughing. Read some joke books. Visit humourous movies and be prepared to describe them to your new date.

Girls love to laugh. When a woman cracks up, her whole body vibrates and shakes. It gets her blood circulating and it isn’t long before she submits to tickling from your hands. Bring a little happiness into both your lives!”

***

Yes! Please tell me some jokes culled from a paperback! Please subject me to an agonising and unfunny reenactment of the latest Jim Carey film! Please get all punchlines wrong and have to back us and repeat a line correctly. Nothing puts me more at ease on a first date than a monologue like this:

“Yeah so then the guy says…no hang on…”

(pause…silence)

“Uh, ok, let me start over again, because I forgot the part at the car wash. You don’t know how come this bit is funny yet, if you don’t know about the scene where he pulls into the car wash!”

And hey! I don’t know how this is supposed to lean up a guy’s image, unless it’s collaring his off-colour sense of humour by substituting lines from a movie or book-learned comedy for his usual cracks about ethnic stereotypes, dames, and the gays.

Telling your date a funny story in hopes that she first begins to vibrate then submits to tickling from a man’s hands, and ultimately hops into bed is not so clean at all. Laughing is great, but…well…I don’t know. I feel like the author is leaving something out. Like, there is more going on than simple joking, when someone wins my heart. Hang on…there is! It turns out, dating is much more complicated than just asking for help, brushing your hair, and telling a good joke:

***

IT’S A MIND GAME

“You have to win over the girl’s mind. If you walked up to her and said “I have a new car, a large bank account and I would give it all to you just for one date,” she will probably think you’re some sort of dingaling and pass you by. The secret is to win over the girl’s mind to you. She has to think in her mind that she would like to have you as a bed-partner and then you are home free. So, regardless of your shortcomings, it’s the ideas you plant in her mind that are going to win her over to you.”

***

I’d just like to say, I respect the brochure a hundred times more, now that its author has finally become up-front about things. Bed partner. Sexin’. Ladies who are looking for some laughter and tickling. Once it stops masquerading as a “dating” manual and admits to being a guide to getting laid, the whole thing reads so much more honestly.

That said, as much as I wish I could swear lines don’t work and women don’t want to be hit on, I would like to deny that ideas can be planted in our heads like so many tilled furrows just waiting for seed. And yet, all too many times, I’ve fallen for the idea of the man rather than the man himself. The blank slate upon which I projected a thousand interesting things because he was giving me only the leanest information and the sparest details, and I was letting those grow into “oh, he is sooo totally perfect and awesome!”

No, we’re not stupid, me and my girlfriends, but dang, the number of times one of us has gushed over some dude while the rest of us listened with hands clapped over our mouths, thinking, “Oh geez, is this guy for real? He sounds like a total fuckface! Why is she so excited about him? He’s totally feeding her a load of crap!”

At this point, the brochure begins to hone a sharper edge, leaving behind the mild manners and the quaint conversations for the real meat. Moving quickly from the sidewalk where your first conversation takes place, through dinner and drinks and into bed, the techniques it describes are really quite something, and tomorrow, we’ll get into all that.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2009 9:43 am

    Uuuuuh, uhm, uh, “can’t wait” for tomorrows topic?

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