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Think Like a Pie

July 22, 2010

On a weekend drive, we stopped at a roadside farmer’s stand, which, in addition to fruit, was selling a variety of pies. Perfectly timed raspberries, early cherries, late strawberries, zucchini and puny ears of corn, these incredible potatoes with pinkish-purple skin, and a dozen oatmeal cookies went into our basket. “Oh, and one of those apple-caramel pies, please,” J. said. “It’s for dinner tomorrow night at my mom’s.” She made her eyes all big and honest-looking, and scrunched her shoulders up around her ears, and held out her hands like a lady who was absolutely, definitely, certainly taking that pie, safe and sound and not even a bit nibbled, to her mother’s the following day.

A likely story.

In the parking lot, she shoved the pie box into my hands and insisted I ride home with it safe between my feet. This didn’t bode well for the pie attending Sunday supper, if J. was already concerned she would taste-test its crust in full view of at least one witness (several dozen witnesses, including the spiders, mosquitoes and random insects that had stowed away lakeside and were about to discover they’d become migrant, urban bugs). Once my luggage was unloaded from the car, and J. was on her way home, I figured that was the last I’d hear of the pie…but…I was wrong. Apparently, when it comes to resisting the temptation of pie, it’s all about the strategy.

In order to outsmart a pie, one must think like a pie. The pie, it’s thinking about how to not get eaten up. And how does a pie avoid this? Do not leave the vehicle. Do not accept an invitation to come upstairs, not even to see the nice kitchen or to admire the cool and refreshing refrigerator. Remain seated on the floor beneath the passenger seat.

Think like a pie: hide in the car.

And, you will live to see another day.


Of course, if you want to outsmart a pie, you must also think like a pie, dissect its trickery, lure it from the car and into the kitchen and eventually, you’ll find that pie on your plate. That apple-caramel delight could only skulk in the car for so long. Eventually “dinner at mom’s house” arrived and the pie was escorted indoors, where it was subsequently introduced to another pie (this one was cherry!), and set aside while the family had a nice dinner. After a brief date on the sideboard, both pies were summarily devoured with sides of vanilla ice cream. I understand they were delicious. I also understand J. gloated, just a little, as she forked light, flaky pastry into her mouth.

“Pie, you should’ve stayed in the car.”

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 23, 2010 7:38 am

    I can never withstand pie!
    And your tales of sweet pies are not making it better!
    Give it here! GIVE IT HERE!

    I never got behind the smarts that is needed to outsmart piecharts!
    I don’t split it up into slices, I just sit down and finish the thing!
    No sience, no math! I’m a barbabarian when it comes to pie!

    Watch out pie nation! Imma jump your shelves!

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