Weights and Measures
According to the book, One Thousand Beards, a moustache is capable of absorbing 20 percent of its own weight. Sadly, the only method of calculation is to shave. A twist of whiskers on a kitchen scale, warm with residual upper lip heat. The moustache has to die in order to learn its weight, at which point it’s no longer situated to absorb any liquids at all. Like a rabies test performed on a biting animal. In order to check for the affliction, they need to take the brain right out, and a negative test result isn’t really helpful to the animal at that point. No dog high-fives its clean bill of health, and no moustache cheers when it sets the record at six ounces.