Brother Roach

From: “Me”

To: “My Brother”

Sent: Mon, March 28, 2011 10:44:59 AM

Subject: Ick

Ughhhhhh so unwell…want it?

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 28, 2011 1:26 PM

To: Me

Subject: Re: Ick

Ick.  Keep it to yourself.

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Mon, March 28, 2011 1:28:25 PM

Subject: RE:

Ohhh darn it! You should’ve replied faster. I already sent a box of it to your office via courier.

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 8:41 AM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

Do you have any idea how much trouble I got in for refusing shipments all afternoon?

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 8:47:27 AM

Subject: RE:

Heh…oh my gosh, you cannot even imagine how disgusting this cold is. Seriously, my handkerchief felt like a wet facecloth by the end of the day, and last night I just got in bed and curled up in the shape of a bagel and lay there while Birdo sat on the pillow and poked my face with a paw…totally defenceless…this morning, after I had a shower and breakfast, I made the bed and the blankets were still hot. GROSS.

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 9:40 AM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

Speaking of gross, I have found 2 cockroaches in my apartment over the past couple of weeks.  It made me think of your horror movie experience with them.  The ones you found under your toes and were as big as an envelope. Gah, I think I would barf if I had one between my curled toes. It’s frustrating because I keep my place nice and clean.  They were just hanging out on my nice (cleaned before bed) kitchen counter.  Nothin’ to eat or play on or anything.

And yes, I am saying that your illness reminds me of cockroaches – you’re gross!

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 9:46:47 AM

Subject: RE:

Hey…I am no cockroach! Ninny.

Were they those little “normal” dudes or the ones the size of your thumb? Mine were the thumb-sizers…which have nothing to do with filth, fortunately, and simply live in woodpiles, basements, heaps of leaves etc…for instance, all the things you probably have in your apartment, heh.

The little dudes? Even one or two is BAD NEWS…get traps, pronto, and tell your landlord because they’ll multiply in weeks till you find them boiling out the shower drain when you flip on the light some morning. No joke. I’ve had them in three or four places in my life, and they are revolting, impossible to get rid of, and in secret places that make you paranoid they’re all over, like the Stand By Me leeches.

The best test is the get those box-shaped glue traps that can also be used for mice. When I say “can”, this does not mean “should”…I really can’t imagine thinking an appropriate method for dealing with a live mammal in your home is the glue it to the inside of a box then dispose of it. But, I digress.

Anyhow, put a couple of those glue traps in places where you’ve seen the “bugs”. If you have a gap between the kitchen cabinets and floor, stick one just inside there. Place one in the dry bathtub overnight, one in the closet, things like that. Because…the two or three big thumbers I found? I assumed they were rogues cruising around my apartment, lost en route to the real party somewhere else. WRONG. The next morning, the glue traps each had more than a half-dozen inside. Each. (pause) EACH.

So yeah. I am sure that didn’t really make your day, but that’s what big sisters are for—saving you from roach infestation!

PS: apparently a roach can live on the glue from a single postage stamp (the old fashioned licky kind) for a month.

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 10:13 AM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

Ya, I will be speaking with the landlord tonight.  He asked me about a month ago if I had seen any because he found one upstairs.  At the time I didn’t think much of it – we have signs in the area to keep an eye out for some kind of Asian bug that’s infesting North America and they look similar to roaches.  I figured he was mistaken and it was one of them.  Now that I’ve seen them, they are definitely roaches—the bad kind, about just under an inch long.

I think I might try those glue traps.  I agree they are horrifying.  We used them in the grocery stores and I was appalled.  I saw on the internet to use bait-traps.  Not so sure if I want to use a trap that actually attracts more to the area.

The worst thing is, I know behind my oven, and behind my kitchen sink cupboards are probably an ideal breeding ground.  When I moved in, everything was clean, but I had to go through and do a “real” clean.  I won’t go into detail, but I just know it’s scary in the spots I can’t get into.

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 10:15:52 AM

Subject: RE:

Heh…it’s not so much inviting more to the party if they’re not already living there…it’s more like figuring out if they’re partying like party cat while you’re asleep. Blehhhhh

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 11:57 AM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

“boiling out of the shower drain”   *shiver*

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 12:01:28 PM

Subject: RE:

That was the day I cancelled my rent cheque. The landlord had just laughed when I showed him a jar full of the long ones, and reassured me that, “we have those ALL OVER the basement, hahahahaha, whatchoo want me to do? I can give you some fresh glue traps but they’ll just fill up like those ones did!”

So, I figured that was sort of his side of the argument we could potentially present at the Landlord Tenant tribunal, if he argued about me not giving 60 days’ notice to move out. And, since mostly he worked from home as a “book keeper” with job duties that looked a lot like “dude sitting on the sofa in track shorts and a hockey jersey listening to techno alone all goddamned day long”, I felt confident whatever real, highly illegal profession financed his home ownership would keep him from pursuing things too far.

Strangely, the baby-sized kind started appearing too, and the only thing worse than them boiling out of the shower drain was the realisation that these were in fact NOT regular roaches come to crash the party…oh no no no no…these were hundreds of infants destined to achieve two-inch status in due course. Gahhhhhhhh!

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 1:45 PM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

I went out at lunch and got supplies.  Traps, stuff for homemade traps, cleaning gear.  I’m getting into all the hard spots to clean too. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, call the army.

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 1:48:10 PM

Subject: RE:

The part of about “stuff for homemade traps” is especially worrying…

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 1:50 PM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

Yaaaa, that’s all you need to know.  I gots some well-crafted homemade designs drawn up.

 

From: Me

To: My Brother

Sent: Tue, March 29, 2011 1:53:06 PM

Subject: RE:

Hmmm…I might send Pete over to check in…I’m having drinks with him later tonight.

 

From: My Brother

Sent: March 29, 2011 2:03 PM

To: Me

Subject: Re:

Ok, all I can tell you is that it involves beer and a hammer. Don’t send Pete—it’ll only make for twice as much poor judgment if we get together on this job.